You ever read something so profoundly stupid that you could physically feel your brain cells filing a union grievance and walking out? Yeah, welcome to the world of Andrew Isker—an extremist pastor, self-declared Christian nationalist, and walking indictment of the American education system—who recently took to his podcast to inform the world that airport body scanners are part of a vast gay-inducing conspiracy.
No, really. The full-body scanners at the airport? According to Isker, they’re “gay beam machines.” His words. He insists that going through a TSA scanner might turn you gay. And because Isker’s tinfoil hat doesn’t come in travel size, he apparently insists on the good ol’ pat-down instead. You know, the one where a TSA agent manually rubs down your thighs, waistband, and—if you’re lucky—your cargo shorts full of shame. Because nothing says “manly Christian resistance” like begging for a government-sponsored reach-around in Concourse C.
Isker made this announcement on his aptly named show Contra Mundum, which roughly translates from Latin as “Against the World,” though in practice it means “Against Basic Facts and Functional Synapses.” He and his co-host C. Jay Engel (who might be an AI trained on 4chan posts and Ron Paul newsletters) described the scanners as not just gay rays, but part of some grand “virtual adrenochrome system.” That’s right, they’re blending queer panic with QAnon fan fiction.
It’s 2025 and these guys are still chasing spectral satanic cabals like it’s 1985 and Dungeons & Dragons is the devil’s dice. Only now they’ve traded in satanic daycare hysteria for sci-fi butt paranoia at LaGuardia.
To be clear: airport body scanners use harmless millimeter-wave technology. They don’t mess with your DNA, your libido, or your phallic insecurities. They detect weapons and contraband, not sexual orientation. But that won’t stop the MAGA evangelical death cult from spinning it into a plot by George Soros, RuPaul, and whoever’s running the global cabal this week.
Isker’s real agenda here isn’t airport policy. It’s pushing his Christian nationalist fantasy of turning parts of Tennessee into a homophobic compound with broadband access. He’s been making moves in Jackson County, trying to build his little theocracy in the hills. And the locals, to their credit, aren’t exactly welcoming this biblical Branch Davidian cosplay with open arms.
Let’s be real: Isker and his ilk don’t hate TSA scanners because they think they’re dangerous. They hate them because they make them confront a modern world where diversity, science, and facts don’t bend to their frothing Bronze Age cosplay. The scanners aren’t turning anyone gay—they’re just revealing how little faith these guys have in their own convictions… and, apparently, their pants.
But sure, Andrew. Keep telling your followers the body scanner is a rainbow gateway to RuPaul’s Drag Race. Just don’t act surprised when the rest of us opt for the express lane—past you, your nonsense, and your theological TSA tantrum.
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