Well, folks, in the latest episode of Authoritarian LARPing: D.C. Edition, Donald Trump threw himself a parade for the Army’s 250th birthday—but like everything he touches, it turned into a half-empty, budget cosplay of North Korea meets Branson, Missouri. Instead of a triumphant military flex, we got squeaky tanks, drone cosplay, sad-sack marching, a snoozing wannabe dictator, and crowd size lies so bold even Baghdad Bob would’ve blushed. If you missed it, congratulations—you saved your brain cells. For the rest of us, here are the top five moments that turned this fascist fan fiction into pure farce.
1. The Squeaky Tank of Defeat 🚧
Trump’s grand plan to have Abrams tanks rumble through D.C. turned into a low-budget kiddie ride. Bleachers were mostly empty, crowds silent—and the lone tank practically squeaked in solidarity with the tumbleweed atmosphere. Reddit commenters were merciless:
“Empty crowd at Trump’s birthday parade. All you hear is the squeaking tanks.”
Journalists confirmed the bleachers looked “sparse” . Cringe rating: squeal over 9000.
2. The Drone-Operator Barbie Moment
In the parade’s version of “Let’s pretend,” an Army drone operator marched along holding the UAV aloft as if it were a toy airplane. Reuters snapped him mid-scamber . Whispers online dismissed it as militainment, not military might . It’s like watching your cousin at family BBQ pretending they can play Hendrix on air guitar.
3. Marching Soldiers Reeking of “I’ve Got Better Things To Do”
Instead of razor-sharp goose steps, what we got was a sloppy shuffle of tunes nobody gave a damn about. Foot dragging, sync beam failures, “peak malicious compliance,” as one theory goes . A vet on Reddit put it best:
“I swear they were intentionally marching out of sync… never seen such undisciplined marching.”
As the clip above shows, having them march over a bowling alley cover-band version of “Fortunate Son” is an especially tone deaf bit of bullshit, as I have previously pointed out.
4. Trump Takes A Nap—In Public…Again
The commander-in-chief dozed off midparade, brunch-ready smirk intact. Viral footage and photos showed Trump’s head nodding like a malfunctioning robot . A late-night host quipped it was as close as he’d get to “sleeping with his wife” . You can’t stage sleep better on purpose if you tried.
5. Baghdad-Bob-Level Crowd Inflation
White House mouthpiece Steven “Odd Job” Cheung claimed 250,000 patriots packed the Mall. Reality check: satellite estimates, reporters, and fact-checkers (including X’s Grok AI) pegged attendance nowhere near that figure . One online critic joked even Moscow’s urban goats weren’t buying it. And yes, comparisons to Spicer were immediate . We resisted the urge to check YouTube for classic Baghdad Bob clips—and by “we” I mean you because I sure has hell did.
Final Take
What was pitched as a majestic show in the vein of North Korea or Soviet pageantry instead fizzled into low-energy tanks, toy-drones, unpaid soldiers, a snoozing ex-president, and crowd numbers worthy of a late-night punchline. Experts grouped the event under “performative authoritarianism” , and it became a prime target for satirists and skeptics everywhere.