Name: Samson, AKA Sam, AKA The Old Man

Age: 17 human years, approximately 1,000 in “I’ve seen some things” years

Weight: a svelte 16, all of it judgment

Origin: Georgia

Breed: Tuxedo Barn Panther

Strengths: spite-fueled immortality, indignation as a lifestyle, moral superiority

Weaknesses: soft fabrics, emotional vulnerability after midnight, sweatshirts he swears he hates

Name: Arizona, AKA AZ, AKA Little Cat

Age: ~9ish

Weight: fluctuates between fluid dynamics and dark matter

Origin: Arizona

Breed: Desert Trailer Park Ocelot

Strengths: perfect silence, phase-shifting through walls

Weaknesses: laps he didn’t ask for, overheated laptops, the sacred forbidden zone known as “your desk”

Name: Emperor, AKA Emp, AKA Fat Man

Age: 12 well-fed, gravity-defiant years

Weight: a state secret protected by NORAD

Origin: Maryland

Breed: Basement Chonker Void

Strengths: terminal velocity, unstoppable mass, brain the size of a pistachio

Weaknesses: physics, friction, Samson’s disapproval

Name: Dice, AKA Dicey, AKA Ouch My Leg

Age: ~6

Weight: roughly equivalent to a regulation bowling ball in motion

Origin: Tennessee

Breed: Feral Penguin Orb

Strengths: stealth cuddles, weaponized charm, canine cosplay

Weaknesses: hunger-induced existential crisis, doors that dare close, Tybee’s entire personality

Name: Tybee, AKA James Tyberius Chonk, AKA Tiboreeno, AKA TYBEE NO!

Age: ~7(?)

Weight: currently clocking in at “recently divorced gym bro”

Breed: Generic Yellow Farm

Strengths: pure emotional chaos, panic-powered strength, unhealed psychic wounds

Weaknesses: grooming tools, literally anyone else’s food, his own reflection

Name: Gynger, AKA The Princess, AKA Gynger Pinjer Poo

Age: ~8

Weight: best described through interpretive scowling

Breed: Red Paper Tiger

Strengths: holy entitlement, astral projection via side-eye, absolute chair dominance

Weaknesses: McDonalds food (but only when it’s not for her), flora taller than 3 inches, snow (offensive and rude)